ERRONEOUS WAY TO LOVE pt31

Mariam’s room

“I really don’t know what to tell you, besides
my advice dosen’t count. Does it?”
Mariam asked after listening to all i told
her concerning Samuel and Emmanuel. She
truly was right that her advice dosen’t
count, but i still needed it notwithstanding.
“I really won’t involve myself in your affairs
any longer, just follow your heart” she
concluded.
___
Emmanuel really was the person my heart
yearned for and following it could bring my
troublesome spirit to rest, but how to make
Samuel understand was another heavy
burden which i truly didn’t know how to
face.
It was very obvious he truly loved me,
because he sacrificed alot for my happiness
and even forgave me when i cheated on
him. But my greatest fear was that his love
could fade with time, perhaps when nature
begins showing itself on me. The age
difference between us wasn’t that much and
i knew with time my physical appearance
would change much more than his. Yea i
knew it was a lame excuse but will he still
love me when that happens? Can i risk
waiting at least four more years for him to
stand firm and be financially stable to cater
for a family? What if he dosen’t get
employed within that period? What if he
later changes his mind about me, will i be
able to make up for the lost time? Will i be
able to fall in love again? Can i ever forgive
myself?? No i can’t take such risk” i
concluded thoughtfully.
“Campus love affairs are nothing but a
fantasy life we create and plunge our
youthful life in just for fun, Pride and
experimentation. It mostly has no
longevity”.
However, due to the great respect and
commitment i felt for Samuel, i made up my
mind to be with him till the end of his
degree exams, because I knew i won’t be
able to forgive myself if he lost
concentration because of me.
But Samuel thinking all was settling for
good between us began spoiling me with
gifts once again. At first i declined
accepting them, but he kept insisting until i
finally caved in. We cooked, played and
gisted like we used to.
6pm, Monday evening, two weeks later
I sat beside Emmanuel in his car, breathing
quickly as i prepared myself to tell him my
decision. Truly whatever agreement we were
to reach that fateful evening will decide my
fate and destiny. It equally was the last day
he gave me to make up my mind.
“God alone knows our destiny”
___________________
“So how far?” he anxiously asked,
“I haven’t been able to decide anything” i
murmured with a fast pounding heart.
“Common don’t tell me that. Have you
forgotten i gave you only two weeks to
decide, why are you behaving like this?” he
curiously asked.
“Emmanuel, i’ll give you an answer at the
end of this semester, please allow me to
focus on my studies, i can’t be thinking of
your proposal when i have exams to
prepare” i poured out.
“I really don’t know the kind of game you
are playing, seriously i don’t” he
complained.
“So what’s so hard for you to wait an extra
month for me to decide?” i asked.
“Because i don’t understand you and i fear i
may end up killing my time for nothing” he
replied.
“If you truly love me, you will be willing to
take the risk” i spoke defiantly. He breathed
deeply, grabbed my left hand and stared
into my eyes.
“Tell me the truth, what’s happening
please?” he pleaded. My lips quivered, while
my bright eyes grew dim under his manly
grasp.
“But for one thing, i would have said yes
this instant, and gone with you to the very
end of the world” i confessed.
“But what is it, Mary?” he asked, “what is it,
my darling?”
“I cannot leave him, Emmanuel– I cannot
leave Samuel by this hour, he’s preparing
for his degree exams please be considerate.
Yes i’m with him, but it’s more of a
friendship thing, but you don’t have to
believe me” i explained. “It is the only
atonement i can offer him, i owe
Samuel this reparation for the evil i have
done him and i must make it till he
completes his degree exams, after which i
will give you the answer you so much
desire” i added.
He drew nearer and kissed my trembling
lips “alright i understand” he murmured
coldly.
“Speak to me Emmanuel, it’s hard, i know
but tell me that i’m doing the right thing” i
begged. He looked down and shook his
head.
“You are cruelly doing the right thing” he
murmured and switched on his car engine.
“I have to get going, i really can’t stand this
anymore” he quietly added. I stared at him
inquisitively but couldn’t say any word to
him.
I quietly alighted from his car while he
furiously drove away without even bothering
to give me a goodbye smile.
It really was a very painful parting and i
couldn’t help but wonder if he will ever
return for me…
I cried in my room as i thought over
Emmanuel’s behaviour.
“Have i lost him forever?” did i miscalculate
by pushing my luck to the extreme? I
wondered with tears.
_____
I however devoted my time in being by
Samuel’s side as his degree exams slowly
drew near, equally pushing my fears and
sorrows to the back of my mind.
In no time i got used to my new way of
living, hiding my fears with smiles, and
taking life as i saw it. Samuel equally never
gave me cause to worry, he never brought
up any topic that would hurt my feelings
nor even mentioned Emmanuel’s name. He
truly was the ideal guy for any woman but
he wasn’t destined for me. I felt nothing
but commitment, compassion and little
respect for him.
Finally the exams came and went with the
speed of light. Samuel was finally a
graduate. I really can’t forget the night he
graduated, how happy and overjoyed he
was thinking he can now focus on building
his future together with me from thereon
since he’s now a graduate, but he guessed
wrong cos my mind was made up already…I
just decided to hang around him till he’s
done with his exam then officially quit the
relationship and marry Emmanuel.
“Seriously Samuel i do appreciate your love,
care and everything, but this night is going
to be our last together, i have tried to
develop more feelings for you but was
unable to. Moreover i know your mum no
longer likes me, so please tonight is our
last.” I plainly poured out to a visibly
surprised Samuel. He gasped, left the bed
and slept on the rug without saying another
word to me.
The next morning i left his room before he
woke up.
Though what i did touched me, i was very
glad i did it because i really couldn’t
guarantee my happiness with him.
He however never did speak to me again.
He packed out of the hostel days later
without bothering to notify me. I was a bit
distressed because i really never wanted
things to end that way between us and
would have wanted for us to remain good
friends.
Finally, I anxiously began waiting for
Emmanuel who never showed up nor called
on phone. I soon wrote my second semester
exams and travelled home for christmas
months later.
Three months i waited for Emmanuel, but
not even a single phone call did i get from
him. I lost hope, but for my pride i would
have called him myself.
Perhaps he wasn’t in my destiny either.

-To be Continued-